Today is Rosh Chodesh, and today is Chanukah. אין לנו אלא ד’ אמות של הלכה. We cannot eulogize. But also - Bobeh, we haven’t had a real conversation in such a long time. And you were so much more than “just a grandmother” to me, to my siblings and even the grandchildren in law… So this is such a delicate balance. There is so much I want to say and so much I cannot say today. So let me talk about your legacy: some of the lessons you taught me, my observations as your granddaughter… Just a few of the things I wish we could have talked about together. Let’s have that conversation now.
I want to talk about 5 lessons. 5 lessons for the 5th day of Chanukah when your נשמה returned to הקב”ה. Five lessons for the 5th day, because the world feels so dark right now, and we need the light. And you, Bobeh, were a light. You were so bright, so vibrant, so fun, so full of laughter and love and joy. And if we can hold onto these middos, if we can learn from some of the ways you lived, then maybe the light we bring into the world can help dispel the darkness.
I remember camping trips and hiking trips. I remember pitching tents in the rain and trying to BBQ in storms. Climbing mountains in the cold, taking in some seriously stunning views of glaciers and nature. I remember your vests and sneakers, your games and songs. I remember you rushing around the house in your crocs getting ready for Shabbos and YT. I remember joint birthday parties and the food you made for each special YT. And I remember always wanting the seat next to you at the table…
I remember the two of us giggling together over your counter about the latest family news… We had our inside jokes, our little nicknames… A little “Hi Bubzels,” to start off a phone call… We would laugh together and shmooz together. Lots and lots and lots of shmoozing. One of my friends texted me last night, “I remember one time, when we were post sem, sitting in her kitchen and just schmoozing about dating and life.... And she was right there and part of the conversation!” That was you, Bobeh - part of the action, in every photo, adding to every story and memory. Lesson from Bobeh #1 - Be part of it. Part of the lives of the ones you love. Join in. Create the memories.
Bobeh - you were vibrant, alive. You were the coolest grandmother (not my words, but I totally agree). When I came to visit, you tried to schedule some fun things for us to do together - getting our hair done, our nails done, some shopping. You had a favorite store (Nordstrom!) and going with you to Somerset mall was one of my favorite things to do. When I was younger, and you took me out, I felt so grand, so mature, like I could be anything I wanted to be. I would come back from your hair salon, with your hairdresser, feeling like a million dollars. I would wear something gorgeous you bought me and feel so put together… In those years, I knew inherently that you saw past my awkwardness and struggles and into the best parts of me. Lesson from Bobeh #2: See the other person and what they need. Then give it to them. And change their life.
One Shabbos, I was standing in your kitchen getting ready to go to shul. I don’t remember how old I was - maybe MS or early HS? I noticed a hole on the bottom of my shoe, and without thinking, I cut a piece of foil to stick inside my shoe so I could still wear it without hurting my foot. Of course you noticed. After a moment, you said, “Oh - I didn’t know you could cut foil on Shabbos.” Just like that. You knew and I knew, I wasn’t thinking, but you didn’t point a finger or call me out. Just curious. And right away I realized what I had done. But I didn’t need to get defensive about it, because you were just curious. I appreciated it then, and as an educator and parent today, I appreciate it so much more. Lesson from Bobeh #3: Instead of demanding or scolding, be curious. Guide from the side. That is true chinuch.
It’s impossible to talk about Bobeh without talking about Saba. A unit - dedicated to each other and to our family. They visited us often, loved us beyond measure, and they made sure we knew it in every way. What they gave us was special. And they gave us so much.
Bobeh - you gave us gifts, both physical and emotional. You sent individualized Chanukah presents and birthday presents; you threw birthday parties. You sent birthday cards and anniversary cards, and as the family grew, so did your birthday and anniversary calendar.
Bobeh - you gave to us when we were easy and you gave to us when we were difficult. You gave intentionally, because you felt it was important and the right thing to do. You were organized about it and committed to it. Lesson from Bobeh #4: We can give even when it’s hard. Loving is giving. אהבה - מלשון הב
Bobeh - I was once talking to you about a family member I was having a hard time with. You heard me out, commiserated… And then you told me such a beautiful insight. “Whenever someone marries into the family, I resolve to love them. I have so much love to give, and I want them to love being part of our family.” That was Bobeh - if you were one of us, you were in her heart - and she had so many ways of showing it. She tried so hard and invested so much in each of us.
Bobeh - You made us feel loved when you agreed with our life choices and even when you didn’t. This was not always easy for you, I’m sure, but still you chose to do it. We never felt less loved because of our choices. As one of my sisters in law said, she felt you love deeply at whatever stage of life she was at.
Bobeh, you saw me through so many ups and downs. When I met Ari, there were just a few other people as happy as you were. I can still see the smile on your face when you met him for the first time, remember the way we danced at my wedding, and I still have the voicemail you sent me when Yechezkel was born - saved on my phone. Bobeh - your love, your joy, you were overflowing from miles away and I felt every bit of it. Lesson from Bobeh #5: The heart has room for everyone we ask it to make room for.
5 lessons Bobeh. I hope the list makes you proud. As your granddaughter, as a mother, and as an educator, these resonate so deeply. I hope I can make them part of my life and at home and at school, so that every interaction inspired by your legacy is a zechus for your neshama.
I particularly love hespeidim that come with well defined takeaway lessons.
ReplyDeleteTehei nafshah tzerurah bitzror hachaim